WORDS OF WISDOM ~
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ''Guess'' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names. But one day I turned to my bullies
and said: ''Sticks and stones may break my bones but names
will never hurt me,'' and it worked! From then on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire,''
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said ''Are you going to help?'' I said ''No, Six
should be enough.''
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, ''My name is Bob, and I am
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
7. Why does mineral water that ''has trickled through
mountains for centuries'' have a ''use by'' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?
9. Is ''French kissing'' in France just called ''kissing''?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ''I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out?''
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where
the bathroom is?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
'over a billion stars in the universe,' you believe them,
but if they tell you watch out this is wet paint,' you have
to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80''s has entered the digits
55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or
not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild
is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
14) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows where the metal coat hangers in their
cupboards were first obtained from, or has any memory of
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.
19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks
and stepping on an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a
thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.