~ SENIOR HUMOUR ~
An elderly gentleman had
serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your
hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh,
I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into
the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one
said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the
restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you
love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and
sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let
me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
A couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my
toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So
I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking. First one (Mel) says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one (Ian) says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one (Stan) says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the
art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it ?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur; be careful.' "
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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