He lay her on the table

 

He lay her on the table so white & clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breasts
and drooling touched her thighs.
The slit was wet and everything set, he gave a joyful cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside: All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands then stretched his arms,
then stuffed that bloody Turkey.
May I wish you and your dirty mind a very Merry Christmas

 

Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS  sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

 

 

Why the angel on the tree top?

Santa was very upset
It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
    Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were drunk
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
    Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!
I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
    He continued,  "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!
What am I going to do?"
    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...

 

At Christmas Time

At Xmas time when we were kids,
we were bloody poor,
and Santa weren't too generous
when he knocked upon our door

But we made do by saving up,
yes every little bit
"We may be poor" said dear old Dad,
"but I dont give a shit!"

Our Xmas tree stood tall & proud
and rigid as a totem,
With Xmas baubles hangin' there.....
like testies in ya scrotum!

Everyone loved Xmas dinner,
no if's, and's or but's,
and all us kids would piss ourselves
when Grandpa dropped his guts.

We'd leave a six pack for Santa
and he always drank it quick,
then I found out it was just me Dad,
the alcoholic prick!

But all in all we had fun,
and lot & lots of cheer,
Now I can't wait till I've got kids....
cause I'll get a carton of beer

 

Jingle Bells (Aussie style)

Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.

Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.

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