The CIA
had an opening for an assassin.
After all
the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,
there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that
you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said,
"You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then
you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife. "The agent said, "You
don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home".
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
Subject: our age
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday
than going
clubbing.
3. You
stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and
start
dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4.
Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the
property
section.
5. All
of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is
like.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you
keep them
because they'll be all right for the garden.
8. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written
on it.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that
falls out of the
newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench
and an electronic
mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man
for the car to
deter would-be thieves.
10. You start to worry about your parents' health.
11. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything
you want to buy
costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or
a Wallace and
Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they
are for your child.
13. Pop
music all starts to sound crap.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they
don't have any
pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a
really nice half-bottle of
house white.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To
compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you
instead frequent really loud tapas
restaurants and franchise pubs with
wacky names in the mistaken belief that you
have not turned into your
parents.
17.
While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon
Channel 4's
Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from
B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em
like that anymore"
and "I remember when there were only 3 TV
channels" and "Of course, in
my day...."
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and
Terry Wogan has
some really interesting guests on.
24.
Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off
the bus, you tut
at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
25. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their
hanging baskets.
26. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house
by
11pm.
27. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it
just me?"
"Bless
me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."
The
priest asks, "Is that you, little Matt Dirney?"
"Yes,
Father, it is."
"And,
who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't
be telling' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well,
Matthew, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell
me now.
Was it
Brenda O'Malley?"
"I
cannot say."
"Was it
Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll
never tell."
"Was it
Liz Shannon?"
"I'm
sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it
Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips
are sealed."
"Was it
Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please,
Father, I cannot tell you."
The
priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Matthew Dirney, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and
you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months.
Be off with you now."
Matt
walks back to his pew. His friend Fred slides over and
whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three
month's vacation and five good leads," says Matt.