~ HAZARDOUS SUBSTANCES ~

Hazardous Substances Data Sheet. 30/12/93
Analysis:

Element Woman.
Symbol WOE.
Discoverer Adam.
Atomic Mass Accepted as 50Kg, but known to vary considerably from
30Kg to 300Kg.

Classification Parasite!

Occurrences:
1/. Large quantities found in urban areas, with trace
elements found in most other areas.
2/. Whispering to each other in doorways and corners.
3/. Crying in toilets.
4/. Marks and Spencer.
5/. House of Frazer.
6/. Russell and Bromley.
7/. Laura Ashley.
8/. French Dressing.
9/. Waving frantically with broken down cars on Motorways.

Physical properties:
Surface cracks are normally filled with powder and covered in
a paint film.
Boils for nothing and freezes for no reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly.
Found in various grades from virgin material to common ore.
Yields to pressure if applied at certain points.

Hazards:
Highly dangerous even in experienced hands.
Illegal to possess more than one in UK.
Causes phenomenal interference in other people's business.

Chemical properties:
Great affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of all known expensive substances.
Explodes spontaneously without warning and for no reason.
Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in warm soapy
water.
Generally insolvent but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
The most powerful 'funds reducing' agent known to mankind.
The soft bits of the beautiful ones, make men's soft bits, go hard.

Common Uses:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be great aid to relaxation on rare occasions but only when wearing ear plugs.

Tests:
Pure specimen turns bright pink when found in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a superior specimen.
Turns white when it's their turn to get a round of drinks in.
Turns nasty for no reason.

Typical IQ Rating - A lot less than unity!

Obviously written by a man with experience...!