A man comes home from work and finds his wife
admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What
are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he
told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about
your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came
up."
Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?
It opens on impact.
Three
people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a
Brit
and an Belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain
told everyone
to go
into the lifeboats. The Brit yelled "Women and
children first".
The
American said "Screw the women and children" and the
Belgian
answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do
that?"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm
off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour
later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've
made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
living room floor is fun too; you can really spread
out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But, if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't
I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than
three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I
began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all
in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels
actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll
set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold for very long.
Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"