I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he
was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought,
'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a
van full of terrapins. It was a turtle
disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a
bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said,
'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy
a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an
aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star
sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and
it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the
shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a
watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone
sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's
bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm
frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got
cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords
today. I can't remember his name, its P
something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History
of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but
the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do
you think of voluntary work? I said 'I
wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this
monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't
need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He
said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil
and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I
want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She
said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well
I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to
them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car
showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He
said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went
'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're
closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss
phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He
phoned me again to say I'd been promoted
even higher and I swerved again. He then
made me managing director and I went right
off into a tree. The police came and asked
me what had happened. I said 'I careered off
the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in
there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket
today while balanced on the shoulders of a
couple of vampires. I was charged with
shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the
ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they
could teach me how to do the splits. He
said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I
can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said,
'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No,
you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order,
sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just
wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just
tell them straight out that they're going to
die.'