An Appeal For Your Help

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale, hit in the early hours of Wednesday morning at 12:56am. Epicentre: Barnsley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly distributed to all betting offices by the town's 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering 'What the chuff wer that?' and 'Na then, wots guin on?'.

The earthquake decimated large inhabited areas of Hoyland near Barnsley causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of Franklin Mint and mementos from both Tenerife and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed in nearby Kendray. Sounds levels reached an almost unbearable peak during the quake when an estimated 14,000 Staffordshire Bull Terriers began barking in synchrony.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley. One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, said, 'It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning'. Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the areas to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including child benefit books, CSA claim forms and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, plus bone china from poundstretcher.

Can you help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all - especially

* Burberry or Fila baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
* Shell suits (female)
* White sports socks
* any product sold at Primark