This is a riot... Literally!
How To Give A Cat A Pill.....
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to
lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour a shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek, and check records for date of last
tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn
cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.
Take
last pill
from
foil wrap.
13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about
it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get
spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have
any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill.....
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
That's what I like about a dog!!!