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A Message from the Queen
To
the citizens of the United States of America from
(You should look up 'revocation'
in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition
to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
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1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like'
and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.�
The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the
reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you
can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking
to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
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6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left side with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
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7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
Get used to it.
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8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European
brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
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10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with
a cheese grater.
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11.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
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12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for
a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us mad.
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14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God Save the
Queen!
PS:
Only share this with
friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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